Then & now

From the family chronicle:

March 15, 1996: Katka said she’ll never kiss a boy in her life.
November 11, 1997: Katka says she wants to become an actress.
July 3, 1999: Katka decided to become a fashion designer – all she does is drawing models in various outfits. We’re slowly running our of paper.
April 2, 2000: Katka proclaimed she is never going to smoke. She said it stinks and she can’t breathe.
September 13, 2001: Katka said she’s going to have at least 5 children.
December 13, 2002: Katka just had her first kiss. It was at the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets movie and she said it was disgusting. Not the movie, the kiss. But she admitted she might try it once more in the future.
August 20, 2004: Katka said by 2013 she’ll be married and will have at least one child.
January 17, 2007: Katka says she wants to be a psychologist.
September 28, 2013: Katka proclaimed she is never going to take an office job.

May 19, 2015: I am holding on to none of my previous declarations.

…The last proclamation is not recorded in a family chronicle of course. I’m sure you must think I made those previous ones up, but you are mistaken. My mum is very thorough when it comes to keeping records on what happened in our family and when. I like the way she has written down some of my declarations – I’m sure she was doing it just for us to laugh at them in the future. And she was right.

Growing up is a peculiar thing. When you are a kid you usually can’t wait to become an adult and you spend half your time dreaming about how wonderful a life you would have when you finally grow up. I was picturing myself as an adult all the time. I was always visualizing how would I look, what would I do, how would my husband look, how my future house would look like. Hearing my parents say: “Don’t wish to be older, enjoy being young whilst you can!” didn’t help at all. I simply lived day by day only to be closer to adulthood.

Today all I can say is: being an adult is not as glorious as I had hoped it would be. I am not now what I visualized myself to become. I have broken all of the promises, declarations and statements I made during my childhood and adolescence. I didn’t achieve half the things I planned to achieve by now. I can’t help the feeling I have made some really bad decisions. But, c’est la vie.

This is what I thought going through my old chronicle declarations: “I cannot fail the kid in me. I cannot disappoint my old childhood self. I want to create a life for myself the 10-year old Katka would find absolutely wonderful and magnificent. I will never be an actress, a fashion designer or a psychologist and I will most likely not have 5 kids, but I will make the kid inside me proud.”

This is my new declaration. I’m not going to write it down to a family chronicle though… This is because in case it never happens, I won’t feel like laughing at it.

Sigmund Freud (allegedly) said: “If youth knew… if age could.” I think this truth defines our whole lives – and it is only fair.


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