180 degrees

Creativity certainly has its good and bad times. I always considered myself creative and I guess I still am but I must confess that right now I am experiencing a huge creative downfall. There are times you feel like one brain cannot bear all the amounts of thoughts and ideas you have and sometimes – there’s barely anything worthy of writing down.

Recently my life has taken a 180 degree turn.

In one of my previous posts I wrote about getting my first job and that this reality will definitely change my life to some extent. Well, I did anticipate a change and I knew it will be a great shock to my bio-rythm but I clearly did not have any idea how my thinking is going to change. Or rather, my priorities.

It also had changed my day-to-day life routine completely. Looking back at my previous posts and reading them I am starting to realise that many things about me are no longer true.

I am not too worried about my future anymore like I was after leaving university, when I could hardly sleep for the distress it had been causing me. And I don’t feel the way I felt after moving back home from London anymore (sad, that is). Now it feels like I never even lived there, like it was only one long beautiful and a very vivid and colourful dream. It’s not that I don’t miss the good times and people in England, I simply don’t have much time to think about it now. Speaking about time, it seems like I don’t have time to spare for good many other things: the worst being writing and blogging. Now my day ends at time when it usually only started. At 11 pm/midnight I used to sit behind my desk and write. Now I am preparing for bed. At 3 am/4 am I was reading through what I had written that night and considering calling it a day. By that time now I am in the realm of dreams. I am no longer a night owl, who loved when the house got silent and the thoughts loud.

To not sound like this job has changed my life in a negative way, among many other great things about it – such as meeting new people (very nice people), learning new things and getting valuable experience – one of the best things is that I stick to my To Don’t list and I really stopped doing all those things I wanted to stop doing. I don’t bite my nails, I don’t play with my hair all the time – I simply don’t have time to do that.

This change got me thinking: what I said in my post Doing it for Free does not even apply to me anymore. Yes of course I will still be blogging for free but not like before – as if it was my full time job. Now I’ve got a full time job and it’s paid so I had to make blogging only my “hobby”. That makes me sad. I only now realised why so many people wish to blog for a living. Because to have a full time job and to blog for free means to choose between the two. It is a Sophie’s choice isn’t it? Money or freedom. Wouldn’t it be great not having to make that choice?

Writing is something transcendental. You enter a whole different world. When you write it’s just you and your thoughts. TIME and SPACE is essential for entering this magical transcendental world. It’s really hard dealing with contracts, communicating with business partners and answering their emails while keeping your thoughts clean to write at the same time. Those worlds are poles apart.

I guess that’s the reason why these jobs are called full time. Because they really consume almost all of your time.

Writing is freedom. To be free in life – to do what you love – to keep your thoughts clean is the greatest priviledge. I am hoping one day I will become this free.

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2 thoughts on “180 degrees

  1. Pingback: Grateful to the moon and back | Katka on the Shore

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